2-Husbands Like Christ

In his excellent & hope-granting brochure WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE GOES SOUR, Jay Adams writes, "Phil and Emily had not come for help in solving the problems in their marriage, though they had called the chaplain to ask for marriage counseling. Actually, their minds were already made up--they had decided to get a divorce. Yet they were Christians and they knew that a divorce was wrong since they had no biblical grounds for it. There had been no adultery, no desertion--only untold misery. 'If we can only get him to agree that going on in this marriage would be an impossibility,' they thought, 'then perhaps he will be able to show us how in our case God will make an exception to His law.' That was how they were reasoning inwardly when they first told their stories to Chaplain Cunningham. 'So you see,' Emily concluded, 'there is simply nothing left to our marriage. I don't feel a thing for Phil anymore; there is nothing to build on.' Phil ended his remarks in a similar vein: 'Well, I suppose that it has been a long time since you've heard a story like that, chaplain. And, while we don't agree on many things, I must say that Emily is absolutely correct when she claims that there is nothing left to our marriage--every drop of love that I once had for her has drained away.' They both sat back in an uneasy confidence, knowing down deep that divorce was wrong, but sure that they had spoken the last word on the issue. After all, what else could the chaplain advise if there was no more feeling, no more love, nothing left? They waited, hoping that he, rather than they, would pronounce the final verdict: 'If there is nothing left to your marriage, I suppose that there is nothing you can do but get a divorce.' They hoped that hearing him utter these or similar words would somehow remove the bad feelings triggered by their guilty consciences. What they really wanted was salve for their souls. 'I am truly sorry to hear about your difficult times and the sorry state in which you find yourselves at present. I can understand why you have come for help. When a marriage has gone sour and you find that all of your own efforts to sweeten it again fail, then you do need help. You say that there is no love and no feeling left? That's serious. If you don't love each other, there is only one thing to do.' ('Here it comes,' they thought. 'He will advise a divorce.') 'You will have to LEARN how to love each other.' 'Learn how to love?' they retorted almost simultaneously, 'What do you mean LEARN how to love?' asked Phil as soon as he was able to regain some measure of composure. 'Yeah,' offered Emily cynically, 'how can you learn it? You can't produce feelings out of thin air.' 'I was not talking about feelings,' said Chaplain Cunningham. 'I was talking about love. The two are not identical, even though Hollywood, the TV, and Playboy might say otherwise. Love is not feeling first. Before all else it is the determination to do good for another person because God has told you to do so. Love begins, therefore, with a desire to please God. Love toward another is a willingness to give him whatever you have that he needs, because you know God wants you to. Where true love exists, the feeling follows soon enough.'" This coming Wednesday in our ongoing study of "The Blueprint of a Healthy Marriage," we'll look at God's command to love in the second topic, "Husbands Who are Like Christ."